Stop Telling Me I Don’t Need a Man.

Dear Readers,

I once had an intensely emotionally charged conversation with a man on the phone. The conversation lasted 5 hours and by the time I hung up, I believed I had found my husband. I thought about him all of the next day and we texted here and there. And then somehow, we never spoke to each other again.

I wish this was the first time something like this happened to me, but it is more common than I care to admit. One time, a seemingly great first date turned into a second date with the parents. Another time, a man told me I was a “nerdy diamond” because I was reading while waiting for him and he thought I was a diamond in the rough. A friend of mine took me out once and was astounded I would suggest Halaal Guys which turned out to be a breaking point.

That’s dating for you in a nutshell. Intriguing, exciting, nerve-wrecking, and ultimately, confusing. No wonder so many people are moving away from it. Especially straight women like me!

Lately, I feel like the decentering men movement is having a moment on the Internet. I have gone over myriads of videos and reddit threads from women warning other women from venturing out into the dating space when their romantic aspirations are for men.

While I respect these warnings, these conversations make me uncomfortable. It is an unequivocal truth that women need to decenter men from their lives in the manner that their sense of self and worth is independent. But it seems, that many women are now moving away from dating men all together (I am sorry about the heterosexual focus, I am drawing exclusively from my own experiences.) I am happy to see that women are choosing themselves but then I read the comments on TikTok.

“They lied. I wanted to have love so bad but after years of bad experiences, I have decided to move away. Three years no dates, I have never been more at peace.”

“It is heartbreaking to have to give up my pursuit of love but it is worse to have to keep going through disappointing circumstances again and again. Never again.”

“I have given up on looking for love. God willing it will find me someday, but if not- I AM NOT CHASING IT ANYMORE!”

It fills me with a lot of pride to see these women choose themselves over their desires. It is powerful and difficult. But I wonder, what has prompted us to move entirely away from pursuing our desires, even if they are difficult to achieve.

Decentering men and marriage started as a very positive movement for women's liberation. We all grew up in a world where a woman’s worth was determined by her ability to successfully form unions (with men). And this has caused our individual developments to halt causing us to place our own value unto others. Decentering men can and has exalted women in their personal lives. It has definitely helped me get over my insecurities in the context of womanhood and my place in relationships.

I also understand the sentiment within the present social and relationship space. These days, relationships are situationships and we all collectively know too much about the bad outcomes of love and lust due to the myriad of sources that we read horror stories on. Some of us came from homes with unstable marriages, broken hearts, trauma. Perhaps we experienced betrayal, trauma, and lost expectations. It is a confusing time to be single.

Only last night, I asked my father how we know if we are making the right choice of partner? What if they lie, cheat, abuse? What if? The what ifs are grounded in real-life experiences and real stories.

It is also empirically true that women who stay single are happier and healthier in their older lives. According to Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioral science, unmarried, childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population and may live longer than their married and child-rearing peers.

There is a lot of sense that older women are making when it comes to letting love pursue you and not the other way round. The advice comes from a good place. But we do not live in a world of absolutes.

Let’s start with reductive this narrative is. Oftentimes, this advice is rooted in asking people to look within for love and fulfillment. The Internet loves to talk about women and their self-image. When it comes to conversations of decentering men— the focus almost always is on prioritizing other things, like your friendships, family, career, and wellbeing.

But like I said, we do not live in a world of absolutes.

I love my life, I have a good job that values me as an employee, a great network of friends, I live in a safe city. Every week I go to yoga class in a community oriented space. I make time to call my family. I experiment with my meals. I take singing lessons, dancing lessons, sometimes I go to the theatre, sometimes to open mics. You get the gist. It is a wonderful life and I really do feel fulfilled and whole. But after all of this, I still come home to an empty house, not sure if and when I can pursue a family. I also enjoy going out on dates, the potential of a new connection, all the excitement and nervousness the comes with it. I love the presence of romance in my life, and I am eager to build partnerships. Not because of a fundamental need, but because it makes me happy.

In order to live authentically, one has to be real with themselves about what they want in life. The truth is, I don’t enjoy being single. I love relationships. A lot. I love having a partner, spending time with them, being cute and romantic. Hell, I even like fighting with them. I love everything about love and relationships. As such, I don’t want to be gaslit into thinking that there is a fundamental void in my life or some sort of internal inadequacy that makes me require a man.

My heart’s desire

I know I don’t need a man. But I still really want one. Am I willing to compromise on my requirements for one? No. Am I willing to be a doormat hoping to gain the approval of men? Also no. But do I keep trying again and again with increasing levels of futility to find someone I can build a life with? Absofuckinglutely.

The Internet sometimes forgets women who can’t let go of wanting relationships. Not to feel complete, but because it makes their lives richer. There is a lot of nuance to what choosing yourself means. But sometimes choosing yourself means acknowledging that you thrive in partnerships, even if they don’t end well. It does not mean you are not independent. It also does not mean that you cannot live without one. But you’d just rather not.

I have seen how looking for love today is an exercise in perserverence and strife with embarrassment. The mentality that wanting partnerships is somehow inherently desperate adds a layer of shame on this already tedious pursuit. But what’s so bad when you keep trying?

We all know that the job market is not in the employees favor right now. But we keep applying for opportunities, hoping that we could break through just once. We go through toxic work environments and adapt hoping that one day things will get better. Artists like myself keep trying to put out art and craft out there after a world of rejections. We keep our heads up high, we cry, and we try again. Why then are we so hopeless in our love lives?

I have been completely single for almost 5 years now with varying ranges of situationships abound. The last one I had earlier this year was nothing short of a magical fairy tale. Attached at the hip, ice-cream shops, summer nights, long conversations. There was fun, laughter, sweetness. It did not end well and made me very sad. But I cannot let go after having had a glimpse. Maybe this one did not last, maybe the next one would.

Dating can be fleeting and exhausting, but there are always little moments of magic — like that one particular summer night stroll with a now stranger — that feel worth it. Perhaps life is made up of little moments with strangers. You hold out because you see it, you feel it, and make a little wish— let this moment last forever. Of course it doesn’t. But the stranger might just become someone familiar.

Every new potential relationship fills me with hope and when things don’t work out, it really bums me out. I truly do love being with someone, despite the risk of heartbreak. I love when they ask me how my day was, when they show care about the little things, and especially when I am sharing an experience with them. It is not because I don’t love myself, or because I feel incomplete without one. I just feel like my life is just not as fun without one.

There is this black and white thinking when it comes to understanding our desire for companionship. We simulataneously live in a world that is built for couples, and also in one where wanting to be in one comes with internalized and external embarrassment. It is almost as if you need to keep this desire hidden, lest you will be labelled desperate. At the same time, not being in a couple puts you at odds in major social circumstances. As you grow older, this oddity only increases as your friends begin to graduate to other serious commitments. Having friends is great, it is excellent. Although, as valuable and important as your friends are for social well-being, they cannot fill the same roles that a partner would.

It also becomes confusing when you are constantly sold the idea of true love in media throughout your life. And the thing is, it is not even completely fabricated because all of us know enough real-world examples of everlasting love.

I am not saying everyone should become coupled up. But if you do want to do that, it should be okay to express frustration and hurt surrounding it. It is also okay to keep pursuing it as long as you understand your boundaries. If you are unable to build one despite trying for years, it is okay to be heartbroken about never having been loved by another person in that close intimate way. Finding love is not easy for a lot of people. And the dating market is bad enough. Can we please just allow people to want to be in love, to want to be with someone else. Even if that someone else is a man?

Yours truly,
Tinderella